Got a Tattoo

yupp this mama got a tattoo. I never thought I would get one. The idea of needles just doesn't excite me lol. I actually did it though I got a tribal heart and it's really cool looking.

Started School

Today I started college online. I am going for Human Services. It's a little overwhelming but exciting. School online is really neat everything's done through message boards and your books and everything is downloaded. I am just really really excitied about this can't wait get my degree and have a better future.

What's been happening

I am in the process of applying for school online. I want to get a bachelors degree in human services. So I am pretty excited about that. I am also of course going back to trade school in September. I am also still looking for a job soooo hopefully I find something soon.

Jobless

yupp I quit the wonderful world of wal-mart. What happened was I had lost my name badge and they sent me home. yeah my fault I know. The next day I was given a no call no show. Which I think was completely unfair. So I quit. I am now back in the job hunting world. hopefully some of the places will call me back that I applied to. so wish me luck.

Jackman is 3

My baby boy turned 3 May 3rd. I just cannot believe it he's growing up so fast. Happy birthday jackman I love you so much<3>

I am a horrible Blogger!!!

Yes I am a horrible blogger. It's been about 2 months since my last post. sorry for negelecting anyone who may actually read about my life haha. Well so here's what's been happening within my life. school has let out for the summer. So I plan too pick up more hours at my job. At 23 years old I just finally went for my leaners permit (lol) a long time coming. I just applied for a medical receptonist job so I am keeping my fingers crossed at the moment. This is all I have accomplished in 6 months of trying to pick myself up after life knocked me to the ground hard. I want to apply to college also do it online. I really am just trying to better myself for Jack and Lexy mostly. I want to give them everything I can. So yeah that's what has been going on.

Life Kicks Our Asses

I honestly wish I could say life is getting better for me, but it's not. I work a part time job and go to vocational school school at night. I struggle supporting myself and my kids every other week. No one care though. I don't matter no one sees that I am trying to make things better. I work so hard and for nothing. Sure I hope that in the end it all pays off. Right now though it feels like it will never end and I'll always just be stuck. I think back on my life so far and I can't think of one thing I did that was so bad that I deserved all of this. yeah like everyone else floating in misery I ask why me. why me? why is it that I get beat down emotionally and physically yet it goes unnoticed. Why did he get physically custody of the kids when I always cared for them and loved way more there my entire life. why is that I have to struggle while he sits back and has all his wants and needs handed too him on a silver platter. All I can say is it is completely true when it is said that life is not fair.

whats been happening

Well my school lost all my enrollment papers so I have to restart. so yeah that sucks fortunately I was only in class 2 weeks so starting over not such a disaster.

Saturday my friend is getting married. I am so shocked b/c she didn't tell me until a week before the date. I cannot wait to go and take tons of pictures. She's the first friend of mine to get married I am so estaic. How romantic getting married on valentines day<3


speaking of vday Jon got me a ring for valentines day. I picked it on online and now have to wait 2 weeks for it I am excited for that. Jon's so sweet.

anyways that's what's been happening.

a new dish I want to try

I saw a recipe on the campbells website for skillet mac and beef. I am going to cook it tonight. It looks pretty simiple to make which is great for me b/c let me tell ya I am no Racheal Ray. It looks really delicious in the picture online. If all turns out well I'll be back to post the recipe. wish me luck I am really bad at cooking.

Part Two

That day Ed was home from work. I just wanted him to help clean the house. He just sat their playing video games like he always does. In frustration I began yelling at him. He just snapped he grabbed my arm and was in my face screaming at me. I pushed him away and yelled at him not to touch me. Next thing I knew he had his arm around my neck and he threw me to the ground. He was on top of me and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I started kicking and punching him yelling at him to get off me and that I couldn't breathe. He wouldn't stop he just kept going. I started screaming for help and his mom came over. I thought she would help me but I should of known better. Ed let go of me and his mom took my kids to her house. I got up crying and grabbed the phone and called my mom. Ed kept yelling at me and followed me up the stares. He only stopped when I told him my mom was calling the police. The police did come. I was dumb and didn't press charges. I was to afraid I didn't want to make him mad or his family. When the police left Ed jumped in a car with the kids and his mom. 5 hours I was left alone in my apartment crying. I had no money,no Transportation,no idea where my babies were. When they did come back they came back laughing and carrying pizza over to his grandparents house. I sat there alone in tears until my parents came to get me. Ed did not allow me to take or see my kids. Him and his family actually lied and said they had temporary custody and I could not have them. My heart broke the night I left and had to leave my kids behind. I spent 3 weeks crying everyday because he would not let me see my kids. still to this day I don't understand how he could do that to me and them. How can you be so heartless that you do not let your kids see their mother. How can you look at their little faces everyday and know that you took their mom from them. How could you make my babies think that their mother abandoned them like she didn't love them. Only a truly evil person could be capable of something so horrible. fast forward to today I am slowly getting back on my feet and taking control of my own life. I am still dealing with grueling family court dates, but my life is going good. It's weird to think that day was the worse day and the happiest day of my life. Worse day because I was separated from my kids the people that mean most to me in this world. Yet the happiest because I got away from him. I am finally free and I thank god for that everyday.

A Story I want to tell

Many people know that Ed and I had a falling out and now are battling it out in family court. It's taking some months but I want to tell everyone what happened to me. I guess I need to start from the beginning of it all when I met him.

I had big dreams I was 19 just graduated high school and starting college in the fall. I wanted to be an English teacher or maybe a writer I wasn't completely sure what I wanted to do with my life at that moment. I wanted a house in Maine and a perfect little family. Plans never workout the way we want. I ended up 19 and pregnant. pregnant by a guy that I thought was the one. I was not thrilled with being pregnant I was honestly ashamed. I couldn't tell anyone except my best friend. I was afraid that people would think less of me. What did I do? I ran. I told my mom I wasn't going to college and packed my things and moved in with Ed and his mom. Ed and I didn't even tell our families I was pregnant until I was 5 months and couldn't hide it anymore. Ed also asked me to marry him. I said yes. I wanted to marry him I wanted us to be that perfect little family. In May we had a handsome little boy. life was perfect being a mom was the best thing that ever happened to me but it was hard at times. Night time feedings, numerous diaper changes I wasn't prepared. I thought Ed would be right there helping me but he wasn't. I did everything myself. I got through it like every other mother has. When Jack was four months I had a huge fight with Ed's mom. She resents me for stealing her son. She also wanted to take the role as mom in Jack's life which I was not allowing. make a long story short I ended up back at my moms. I begged Ed to come stay at my moms with us but he wouldn't. Ed became distant and mean. He was always running around with his friends drinking and smoking pot while I took care of Jack. We started arguing all the time and he started calling me cruel names like a bitch and a cunt. I didn't think we were going to make it then. I was so afraid of ending up a single mom. I didn't want that for my kids so I was determined to keep the relationship going. We ended up getting our own place but on Ed's income alone we were barley surviving. That is when Ed decided we should move into the apartment next door to his mother that his grandfather owned. Ed said it would be best we didn't have to pay anything rent,water,electricity,heat his grandfather took care of it all. We moved back to Ed's hometown and I also was expecting again. That next year is when everything got bad. Jack was diagnosed developmentally delayed,Alexis was born,Ed switched jobs and then lost his job. That is when the arguments got unbearable and the hitting began. He would push me,grab me,drag me and sometimes even punch me during an argument and when I cried he made fun of me. He called me names and made me feel worthless everyday. Even though he did all those awful things to me I still loved him. I used to think I deserved it like maybe if I didn't argue with him I wouldn't drive him to hit me. He was always sorry after. He always apologized and said it wouldn't happen again and I believed him. Time after time I believed that would be the last bad fight. After awhile I stopped believing. I wanted to leave him. every time we fought I swore it was the last time. The last time I would be told I am going to be hit like a man if I am going to act like one. The last time he would drag me down the stares and try and throw me out the front door. It never was I always forgave him. I had no where to go. I had no money and no where to stay with my kids. Besides I didn't want to break up our family. Then one day I suppose god decided it was time for all the abuse to stop.

What's been Happening

I have been working part-time at walmart for 2 months. Which is going okay. I like it but it is boring as well. I work in the jewelry department so it is not fast-paced at all.

I also just recently started vocational school. Nights 3 times a week. I am going for Health Information Technology (medical receptionist kind of stuff). Right now in class I am learning basic computer knowledge stuff. Like typing and Microsoft literacy.

I am also looking for a full-time job but have had no luck yet ( ya know with the crappy economy its hard).

Intro to the new guy

I've been seeing the most amazing guy ever named Jon. I have been with him for a few months. He has really helped me get through as you all know one of the darkest times in my life and I love him for it. It feels good to have someone pushing you so hard because they believe in you. They believe that you can do anything as long as you set your mind to it. However I am also very catious after the whole falling out with Ed. I don't want to fall into the same pattern so I am taking things pretty slowly. It just feels great to have someone in my life whos lifting me up instead of beating me down. I just hope this is the beginning of a happier life for me.

Updates,Updates

Well it has been awhile since I have updated. I don't know where to start.....
Chritmas-Christmas was great. I got the kids at 2 in the afternoon so they weren't into opening presents......so another year of me doing the unwrapping. Christmas was bitter sweet. It killed me that I didn't have the christmas eve. I missed the whole waking up to see the excitiment in their eyes at all the gifts santa left. I did however love spending christmas day with them having christmas dinner and having them 3 days after that.
Lexy's Party- Well I didn't have her party until the beginning of January. I had to cancel her party back in December because of a horrible ice storm. Her party was awesome though. I got the cutest cupcake cake of a butterfly. I can't believe it shes a year old. I made it through that rough baby stage (lol) I loved it while it lasted now I can't wait for her to grow and learn this year.
Jackman- Jack is doing awesome in therapy. He is now repeating colors,saying 3 and 4 word sentences. I am so proud of all the accomplishments he has made in such a short period of time.
Court- I had court again and it wasn't all that great. I feel like nothing was accomplished at all. The lawyers talked about was visitation again. So The kids father still has temporary physically custody and we have joint legal custody. I don't get He choked me yet he gets the kids. It just isn't fair. it isn't right. He keeps doing things to hurt me and mess with me yet no one is holding him accountable. I just hope in the end I am come out on top.