Doing better, feeling good

I can offically say that funk I was feeling is over. I feel so much better now. I am extermeley happy that I have the kid's and extra week! So we have been trying to do fun stuff. I have taking them swimming and on playdates and all that. I've been a little bit stressed but we all know me I am stressed always lol.

Woke up with higher spirits

I woke up today feeling a little bit better, so I am hoping maybe I am inching my way out of the funk I've been in. Granted I am still feeling lonely but I am not feeling so lost as I have been. After 2 weeks of isolating myself I actually have and urge to be around people like my friends, I can't wait to get my kid's for 3 weeks....makes me soooo happy that I get to spend so much time with them!

Lonely

I feel like crying yet I have no tears, that's how I feel at this exact moment. I feel like I want to emotionally explode. I want to talk to someone or vent but no one comes to mind. I have great friends and I know they all say I can talk to them but I really can't. I have no one I can really talk to that can honestly understand how I feel and really relate to what I am going through.

It's been a rough two years for me. First the whole split with Ed and the grueling family court battle. The day Ed and I split is the day that destroyed the person I once was. It still hurts to think back to him keeping the kids from me and not being able to hold them and kiss them everyday, it still kills me. Then the whole break up with Jon was an emotional mess, break ups are hardly ever a clean break I suppose. Then all the guys I dated after that......just left me honestly feeling used. Then learning sometimes friends aren't friends and they aren't their for you and they betray you. Losing my job really sucked too, now here I am 2 months later and still can't find a job. I have to depend on my parents for everything now. I truely feel broken inside. I am broken and I don't think it can be fixed, like to much damage has been done. I am emotionally totaled.

Empty Inside

Lately I have been in a funk. I don't know if you can call it sad, because I am not really sad. I just have felt like being cut off from the world. I have deff. been isolating myself from other people. I have been pushing people away effortlessly lately, I really wish they would understand that I just want to be with me right now. It urks me when people try and be there when you don't want them too. For example I told a friend of mine that lately I have just not been up too seeing anyone and didn't want too. So my friend says you sound like you just need to go out and have some fun with people. It's like really? really?? thanks for totally disreguarding the part of the conversation where I said I do not want t be around people. I am just hoping I come out of this funk I've been in soon.

rip mike

Last Friday not this past friday I met a guy named Mike. I spent the night talking to him when everyone else went to sleep. He seemed like a nice fun loving guy, smiling and just laid back and happy. I guess I met him before when I was younger maybe 16 or so, but I don't remeber really. Wensday Mike died. I am shocked and sad, there has just been too much death these past 2 months. I hate seeing my friends hurt that is what kills me the most, I can't stand seeing their pain and being helpless. Rest In Peace Mike. Stay strong and my prayers go out to Mike's friends and family.....he seemed like an awesome person and I am happy I got too meet him.

Rip
Mike
June 9,2010

rip baby sabrina

I went to a wake yesterday morning, my friends and my other friends daughter/niece passed away. She looked like such a little angel and the service was beautiful. Seeing my friend's so upset broke my heart, it's one of those situations where of course you just don't understand. Sabrina was only 11 months old and it really is heart wrenching eventhough you know she is in a better place where she is happy and pain free. Yesterday was my first time meeting/seeing Sabrina....I wish I got the chance to meet her before hand, she really is a beautiful angelic little baby.

I'll keep her family in my prayers and I really do hope they can find the strength to keep going on. I love you guys <3

Once again I really think everyone should take the time to tell the people in their lives they love them and to cherish every moment with them, because life is truly to short.

RIP
Sabrina Marie
6/2009-5/2010 <3